I lift my eyes to the mountains-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121: 1-3
Who is with me that June 2012 has been a most trying month? We’d just returned from my mom and stepmother’s funerals when our house was hit with a pretty fierce respiratory virus. And just as I thought we were heading into a decent weekend, Teagan and I began throwing up this morning. While the virus has left our family depleted, it has made us even more grateful for my girlfriends who have so sweetly continued to shower us with love and family meals again this week.
That is a great word to describe my emotional and physical status today. I admit the grieving process was so much easier at the beginning of this week when I could get outside and run errands in an attempt to get our family back to normal.
With the virus in full swing we’ve been confined at home where I am surrounded by life filled with reminders of Shirley and mom, their absence magnified. Toys they gave to the kids, pictures, trinkets, treasures…they all somehow remind me of them.
At times I’ve woken from a sleep, panicked at the realization that they are gone from this world. And I wonder, what is God’s plan for me? Will it be five, twenty, or forty years before we meet again in heaven? At times I breathe faster thinking, “How can I “do” life without these women in my day???” And then I admonish myself for not remembering my blessings. Don’t I owe it to God, my husband and children to live in these treasured moments, regardless of loss? Is it a sin to be so sad knowing the wonderful place they are in? Shouldn’t I be able to rely on His promise of a glorious eternity with the knowledge that we are just vapours, here on earth for such a short time?
But then, what to do with moments, such as clearing most of the 82 messages on my answering machine? Moments that leave me mesmerized, desperately yearning to hold on to mom and Shirley’s voices forever…
Yes, I’d planned a different post for today. One that was more upbeat. Positive me. Looking forward to a fun July and all of the summer fun that goes with it...but I feel God is whispering over and over a different message to me:
Look to me….when you are physically weakLook to me…when your heart is aching
Look to me …when you feel lost
Look to me…and I will use this sadness to make you stronger
Look to me…and I will always triumph over worldly concerns
Look to me…and I will show you joy
My mother shared this verse with me after her first surgery. She loved it and what a comfort it provides to me today:
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
As our day gets moving, albeit slowly here, will you join me in looking to God? Will you ask for His help if like mine, your soul needs to be restored? Will you rely on Him if you have little physical stamina and strength? Can we place our trust in Him together, knowing that He has a plan for us that is good, and will bless us?
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
God, please help us to turn to You. Only you, when our hearts are sad. Help us to rely on you when we have little strength. Thank you for triumphing over the world, over the lies and obstacles Satan places in our paths during these times to lead us further away from you.
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Have a blessed weekend.