Waking Up on The Wrong Side of a New Year

The nurse slipped out the room just as I woke up. Quiet murmurs in the hallway. The hum of the IV machine near my head. My twenty month old baby sleeping, finally, in the crib next to me...

And I thought of my One Word for 2103: Consistency. 

The first week of the year had started with promise and plans.

I would seek out my God and Savior on a moment-by-moment basis like a breath of sweet air that would revive me. 

I would be at church each week to learn, love and do life with the hearts of those I absolutely cherish. 

I would eat well, exercise and make my body strong again.

I would write. Often. Listening for His soft, still voice amongst the chaos of our social media filled world. 

I would meet deadlines. Because I love writing for God. And I don't want to miss any opportunity to share what He is placing on my humble, grateful heart.  

I would be a present, loving wife and mother - not at the bottom of my to do list, but at the top...somehow balancing all of this life God has blessed me with... 

But then...then, my baby. Her eye swollen shut. My heart beat faster as her doctor mentioned words that included hospital, brain, serious. 

Now, days later I am here. With my baby in this hospital room. 

Why God? I don't understand. Last year? Well, last year...and yes, the year before...they were unbelievably hard. I thought....I imagined THIS year might be different. Joyful. Full of promise. Celebrating all the good. Getting to a point where remembering doesn't leave me crushed. Breathless.

And God, how can I be consistent during this current upheaval in our days? I am missing church, my computer and eating well. It's too much. This is the exact opposite of consistency, Lord!

Fear gripped my heart that night in the hospital. Had I just imagined the severe bacterial infection had spread a bit further down her cheek? Was the pink on her "good" eye just the result of no sleep...or would tomorrow morning reveal a new set of problems which would include dwindling options for antibiotics she could take? What if we hadn't caught it early enough...did it have time to spread to her brain? 

Be joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Constant in prayer.  Romans 12:12

God whispered, Have you forgotten Romans 12:12?

Ahh. My life verse.  

I felt His peace wash over me. And He asked me to consider that  the Consistency he has asked me to focus on this year can also be applied to constant faith. Persistent prayer. Unrelenting optimism in the face of adversity. 

And then? 

Then He showed me these things in the physical sense played out by courageous, precious children and parents facing serious illness. 

You see, Isla and I made friends in the halls of that children's hospital. Little Lorelai. Troy. And Lucas. I was forever transformed by their bravery. Their optimism and the way they and their parents begin and end each day with faith. Hope. Prayer. 

Would you pray for them today? These next days, weeks and months are critical for them. 

Lorelai is a sweet little redhead like Isla. She was under strict contact restrictions so she couldn't leave her room while we were there but her infectious smile and laugh were a joy. She is Teagan's age and was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia this year. If you are on Facebook you can follow her daily updates via the Love for Lorelai team!

Troy is a brave, shy boy who has been in hospital since the first part of Christmas. He's just started his fight against Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. He, Lorelai and Lucas are all buddies. Pray he gets to go home today for the first time in a long few weeks. You can follow his story at Troy Mathews on CaringBridge. 

Lucas is 21 months old, just a month older than Isla. He has big gorgeous eyes and loves to ride the wagons up and down the hospital halls with his mom, dad and nana. He is back at home this week and is fighting Bilateral Wilms Tumors on both his kidneys. You can follow his story at Lucas Nieman on CaringBridge.

I have one more prayer request for a most treasured friend, Jennifer. She is my next door neighbor, Beth Moore bible study leader, walking buddy and just the most amazing person ever. It breaks my heart that her mom very nearly passed away this week from diverticulitis. Her colon has been removed and we are in fervent prayer that she will not get an infection as she heals. Please remember Brenda in your prayers. 

I hope you and yours have a blessed Friday today! Brian has been traveling tons. Earlier this week he was in California and tomorrow he leaves for England and Ireland. This explains the lack of posting. I am one tired mama trying to catch up on the house after our hospital stay as well as multiple doctor's visits this week. We'll miss my sweets but are happy he'll get to see his family on the last leg of the trip!


Blessings, Michelle

Look To Me

          
I lift my eyes to the mountains-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, 
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121: 1-3

Who is with me that June 2012 has been a most trying month?  We’d just returned from my mom and stepmother’s funerals when our house was hit with a pretty fierce respiratory virus.  And just as I thought we were heading into a decent weekend, Teagan and I began throwing up this morning.  While the virus has left our family depleted, it has made us even more grateful for my girlfriends who have so sweetly continued to shower us with love and family meals again this week.

Depleted.

That is a great word to describe my emotional and physical status today.  I admit the grieving process was so much easier at the beginning of this week when I could get outside and run errands in an attempt to get our family back to normal.

With the virus in full swing we’ve been confined at home where I am surrounded by life filled with reminders of Shirley and mom, their absence magnified.  Toys they gave to the kids, pictures, trinkets, treasures…they all somehow remind me of them.

At times I’ve woken from a sleep, panicked at the realization that they are gone from this world.  And I wonder, what is God’s plan for me?  Will it be five, twenty, or forty years before we meet again in heaven? At times I breathe faster thinking, “How can I “do” life without these women in my day???”   And then I admonish myself for not remembering my blessings. Don’t I owe it to God, my husband and children to live in these treasured moments, regardless of loss?  Is it a sin to be so sad knowing the wonderful place they are in?  Shouldn’t I be able to rely on His promise of a glorious eternity with the knowledge that we are just vapours, here on earth for such a short time?

But then, what to do with moments, such as clearing most of the 82 messages on my answering machine? Moments that leave me mesmerized, desperately yearning to hold on to mom and Shirley’s voices forever…

Yes, I’d planned a different post for today.   One that was more upbeat.  Positive me.  Looking forward to a fun July and all of the summer fun that goes with it...but I feel God is whispering over and over a different message to me:

      Look.To.Me

Look to me….when you are physically weak

Look to me…when your heart is aching
Look to me …when you feel lost
Look to me…and I will use this sadness to make you stronger
Look to me…and I will always triumph over worldly concerns
Look to me…and I will show you joy

My mother shared this verse with me after her first surgery.  She loved it and what a comfort it provides to me today:

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

As our day gets moving, albeit slowly here, will you join me in looking to God?  Will you ask for His help if like mine, your soul needs to be restored?  Will you rely on Him if you have little physical stamina and strength?  Can we place our trust in Him together, knowing that He has a plan for us that is good, and will bless us?

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

God, please help us to turn to You.  Only you, when our hearts are sad.  Help us to rely on you when we have little strength. Thank you for triumphing over the world, over the lies and obstacles Satan places in our paths during these times to lead us further away from you. 

I am so excited that my senior pastor will be teaching words of encouragement this weekend that will no doubt help during times just as these!! Praise God for His wonderful timing which knows what messages our hearts need most.  In the meantime, if you have a prayer request it would be my privilege to pray for you and your family.  


Please leave a comment below or for more privacy write me at teaganstravels@yahoo.com.

Have a blessed weekend.

Michelle