Dirt Road Dependence: Trials That Bring Us Back to God

Anyone who has travelled down the road of infertility will tell you it tests every part of you. With each doctor’s visit, every sharp prick of a needle, and pregnancy test that comes back with a big fat negative, a piece of your hope-filled heart fades away...

Dreamstime - RF LL Photo

I understood what dirt road dependence meant when, despite my greatest efforts to project manage my dream of becoming a mom, nothing worked. Instead, I found myself on my knees.* 

Broken. 

My physical and emotional strength had been replaced by sadness and tears. At the time I could only ask, “Why God?” But looking back, I marvel at how our awesome God used that time to bless me and my family.

Bless me?

It may seem a strange reflection on such a painful time in my life. But in those quiet moments of grief, God used this trial to draw me near to Him. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:10-12 (NIV)

You see, I’d not truly relied on God for a long time. I was cruising along the road of life, traveling around the world for my job, in love and in control. Life was going great and according to MY plans for it. 

Sure, I was a Christian. I had accepted Jesus as my Saviour one summer morning as a child in vacation bible school. But I had not experienced the beauty and joy of truly having a personal relationship with God. Now I feel comfort going to God daily with my joys, dreams and fears, while seeking His will for my life.

Our path to parenthood was not the one we imagined on our wedding day. Oh, but it is a miracle. We have two of the most amazing little girls. And each day, even the sticky, “real” mommy days, is an absolute blessing. My husband and I are closer as well because no one can understand what we have been through together to become a family. It made our love and respect for each other stronger.

My dirt road dependence during our struggle with infertility served me well.  I’ve learned to trust the plans God has for our lives. Sometimes God leads us to a path of dirt road dependence so we can fall to our knees and with empty arms, hold them up to Him. And when we do that? God fills those arms with blessings and answers we never thought to ask for.

Take Action:  It is easy to praise God when life is full of blessings. What trials can you thank Him for today, asking that He use them to bless you and draw you closer to Him?

God, help us to look to you when we are at our most vulnerable. Lift us out of our trials and bless our lives with answers we never anticipated. We pray we look back on times of dirt road dependence as a gift which helped to enrich our lives and those around us while helping to mature us spiritually.  

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Song: Praise You in This Storm by The Casting Crowns

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire —may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

1 Peter 1:6-7 (NIV)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

James 1:1-5 (NIV)


Blessings, Michelle

*Posted originally on Encouragement Cafe - August 29, 2013

When God Says "No"

The other day, I saw the most beautiful dragonfly buzzing around our front door.  Dragonflies.  I love them. In Japan, they are called tombo and serve as a symbol of good luck. 

Public Domain Source

This vision of a tombo in my front yard brought back memories.  As a college student, I longed to travel.  And my heart has always been fascinated by France.  The people.  The food.  The gorgeous language and scenery. I wanted to study there. But despite my greatest efforts, I could never pull the funds together.  I was frustrated and discouraged. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

One day, at the end of a political science class, my professor called me to his desk.  And right there, an opportunity I could never have imagined changed my life forever.  I could go to Japan to study in a university on a full scholarship through the Japanese embassy!  The day I turned in my application, a dragonfly or tombo was hanging about my front door.  I knew that day that I was going to get my scholarship!  The two years I spent in Japan were some of the happiest in my life and truly blessed me.   And that provided a valuable lesson to me. Sometimes when God says "No" it is because He has greater plans for us.  Plans we could never imagine. 

There was a time early in my career when I was laid off and couldn't see past my tears and feelings of embarrassment.  I'd considered that company like family and worked until the wee hours of the mornings, invested in its financial success.  But despite my feelings of defeat, what followed was a completely new career that took me around the world and to my beloved France for the very first time! 

God said "No" to many a college boy that I tried to mold into my idea of husband material.  But at the age of 35, after 5.5 years of dating, He (ok, can I say "finally"?) married me to my best friend.  A lad from Ireland that I met in Colorado of all places just one month after we were both transferred there for our jobs! 

God said "No" when I cried out for a baby.  I cried when I couldn't get pregnant.  I cried through miscarriages.  And I cried through a cruel ectopic pregnancy that had to be terminated.  But on the eve of Isla's first birthday and just eleven days from Teagan's third birthday, I can say my babies were worth every tear and moment of waiting.  I didn't become a mom the way I imagined. Instead, God brought me to my knees and back to Him.  To depend on Him and His timing.  And in the process, He taught me how to appreciate every single moment of my motherhood.  Even the sticky, poopy, frazzled, vomit-filled days full of no sleep (all of which I've had in the past 24 hours)...because they are precious. 

Public Domain Source

Now when I pray over a big request or decision we have, I imagine a stoplight, an idea given to  me by a pastor in a sermon I never forgot.  Red. Yellow. Green. You see, sometimes God's answer is "No" and sometimes it's "Not right now."  Sometimes it's "Go. All the way. Go for it!"  And sometimes?  If we are lucky?  It's something we've never even thought to ask for.  Something "Wonderous" as our Poppie would say.  Something magical. And it feels so right. 

I know there are also more serious decisions, painful decisions and I don't want to dismiss them.  I only intend to offer hope with this post.  Is there something you are praying for today?  It would be my privilege and honor to pray for you and your family.  Please leave a comment below.  Or if you would like more privacy, email me at teaganstravels@yahoo.com

In the meantime, let us say this prayer together:

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your love and wisdom. Thank you for seeing a big, brighter and more brilliant plan than we could ever imagine possible. Comfort us in our disappointment. Soften our hearts and have us turn to you with patience and gratitude, assured that you have great plans in store for us.  In Jesus' name we pray.  Amen.

Blessings, Michelle

Friday Five: Ways to Obsess While Trying to Get Preggers!

Baby Isla

Happy Friday everyone! Today's Friday Five takes a peak at what to do when you are ultra-focused on getting preggers! As in pregnant. Like, now already, right? Oh have I've so been there! This month I am going to post  the story of our path to parenthood. We've been blessed with two beautiful girls via invitro fertilization (IVF) procedures. Here's the way I made it through the long hours of waiting for that moment when I first held them in my arms!

Teagan at 5 months old in Ireland

1.  TwoWeekWait.com - This brilliant trying to conceive(TTC) and pregnancy community is a miracle in disguise! I can not tell you how many hours I've spent on this site but it provided sweet distraction when I needed it most! You can join forums based on your age, fertility treatment type and more. This is the spot where you can also obsess with others on your early pregnancy symptoms, ask questions and get a ton of support! Then we you do get your BFP (or positive pregnancy test) head on over to their pregnancy boards to meet other women with your due date. Elle has really put together something special with this site!

2. Nameberry - While you are dreaming away of that little baby in your arms check out trending around popular names, meanings, and more! I think I could have at least 50 children before I used up all my favorite names! I am still in shock that this site predicts Isla will be in the top 10 here this year! Wow! I'd never met an Isla before but there is one in her church nursery, Kade's school and more so I suppose the numbers are climbing. We still love the name along with Teagan's and wouldn't change anything.

3. Conceive Magazine - For every woman who is tired of sitting in a doctor's office full of magazines covering pregnancy or parenting, Conceive is a breath of fresh air. Full of tips and information on how to get increase your odds of getting pregnant, this is the online version!

4. Can You See A Line.com - Join over 20000 members to vote on pregnancy tests or submit your own, post in our forum and more! If you are willing to look at another person's pee sticks, zooming in and darkening to determine if there is any sort of line then consider yourself in Super Baby Obsessed status. Still, kinda fun if you are testing and want to compare your results against others who went on to have a successful pregnancy!

5.  Betabase.info - This site collects beta scores from pregnancies and makes the information available as a public service. You can enter your beta numbers to find out how they are doubling and where they are charting according to other women who are the same number of weeks pregnant. For those of you going through infertility treatment this is an awesome site in that it can take your beta numbers and tell you statistically if they indicate a multiple pregnancy!

Wherever you are in your trying to conceive journey I wish you well! Feel free to shoot me questions or prayer requests below or at teaganstravels@yahoo.com.

*Babydust* to you!
  Michelle

I Am Able

Hello friends! Today I am guest blogging on CMF's site and really excited! A big welcome to any readers who may have popped over from there. Teagan's Travels is our family blog that captures the adventures of an Irish father, American mom, our two year old daughter Teagan and the arrival of our baby who will be here THIS Wednesday! Topics include those concerning motherhood, toddler fun, our home, entertaining and our faith. This is a place where I hope others will be encouraged and where I find encouragement from readers too. I hope you will stay a while and come back often!

Recently my pregnant self had a long day where Teagan just simply could not and would not take a nap for any amount of love or money. After giving her a lengthy dinner that included almost as much applesauce in her hair as in her tum it was time for a bath. As I ran here and there prepping her and the tub my husband passed me in the hall and asked jovially, "Are you having fun?" Hmpf? Fun? I grumpily answered sure before making my way back to the bath. I still had bills to pay, the kitchen to clean, laundry to fold, rooms to tidy and a neglected to do list for the new baby's arrival to review before I could even think about calling it a day. Fun wasn't exactly what I was having and I was pretty miffed that (on this particular night) he wasn't helping out! But as I made my way briskly down the hall I felt God giving a powerful tug to my heart that almost made me stop in my tracks. It said simply: I.Am.Able.

That simple phrase took me back to a bible study I had with a great group of mom friends about a year ago where we talked about this very topic while studying Lysa TerKeurst's Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl. The gist of the study focused on how it is hard to stay in the moment at times, to be thankful for a sticky table and endless cycle of dishes to wash. But we talked about the power of reframing our thinking so we could be blessed with a new perspective, one that brings joy and thankfulness for all we have and all we do.

So on this night I was able. Instead of being grumpy I opened my eyes to a new perspective. After all, here I was giving my precious two-year old daughter a Dora Bubble bubble bath which gave her such joy as she splished, splashed, played and giggled with delight. It was my chance to wash her little ears and toes and tummy. A chance to marvel at how big she's gotten on the eve of her second birthday. Sure I was tired after a long day but I suddenly remembered those years when we struggled to have a baby and I would have given anything - any free time, any Saturday night, any amount of sleep just to have a little one look up at me with such joy in her eyes and call me Mommy.

As I settled in for a happy, relaxed bath time with Teagan I began to think of other things I am glad I am able to do. I am happy that I have a home to clean. I am so grateful that I have more than one set of clothes to wash...and while I am at it, a washer and dryer that work like a charm and make it easy. I learned from my days of living in a foreign country how difficult it can be to do one load of wash when you have to boil water on the stove, transfer it to a balcony outside where a low tech washer awaits and then wait for your clothes to dry during on a line...during monsoon season.

And those bills? That night I became thankful for money to pay them when times are tough on so many people in this economy. I became thankful I live in a place where we are safe from danger and war, where we can worship our God freely and without fear that we will be hurt or arrested. And on that night I really stretched my thinking and became thankful I could exercise my body on a planned walk the next morning. That even in my third trimester state that has me moving at a snail's pace that I have two legs that work.

So as we go in to this happy weekend I would love to hear from you! What sweet friends are you happy you are able to do today?

God, thank you so much for the many blessings great and small that you have given me in my life. Please help me to have a spirit of thankfulness and awareness as I move through my busy days.

She Speaks…From a Whisper to a Scream

Hello friends! Today I am linking to Lysa TerKeurst’s blog, my favorite inspirational writer and speaker. You’ve heard me mention Lysa before and can find her link as well as the link to Proverbs 31 Ministries (she is President) listed in my Blogs We Love list. Check them out! My sister and I recently had the opportunity to meet Lysa and her amazing Assistant Holly at an event. Can I say I was so excited that I had to completely restrain myself from giving her the biggest long-lost sister bear hug?! If you haven’t read Lysa’s books Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl or Made to Crave you simply must. She is incredibly funny, witty and relatable…a true treasure to those of us who look to her for inspiration.

I am linking to her site to tell you about a wonderful event coming up this July called She Speaks. This conference is for speakers, writers and women’s ministry leaders who will meet for three days. The primary objective of the conference is to give women the tools and confidence to connect other women with God’s love in the most amazing of ways -through the power of voice. If you are interested in more information check out her post at http://lysaterkeurst.com/2011/03/she-speaks-scholarship-contest-2011/.

Can you imagine the sort of wonderful, life-changing things that happen when women of faith come together for a few days? I can. And I so want to be there! I have an incredibly supportive, loving husband and decided to approach him about my going to the conference. He was on board. Totally. Until I told him about the $595 cost. At that point he looked at me as if I had asked him to build an igloo in the midst of our southern US backyard…hmmm. I hesitated a moment and said, “Now honey, I must have really botched up presenting the true value of this conference so let me try again….” To which he replied, “Are you daft????”American translation: Are you completely out-of-your mind crazzyyyy???

And I understand his response. With a second baby on the way and all that comes with purchasing another crib, double stroller and other baby necessities… plus the very real possibility that we may have a boy and he just might not dig the pinkalicious wardrobe of his older sister, we also have an air conditioner that chug-a-lugged us into fall. Barely. And two older cars that must absolutely be replaced in the next month or two as they have become less than reliable…all this adds up to the conference fee not being in the cards this year. Are we destitute or worried? Not at all and I would hate to paint such a picture. We are comfortable. And happy. Very. But being fond graduates of Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University we are paying for purchases big and small in cash. We are Living Like No One Else so we can Live Like No One Else in the future....I promise to share more of this incredible journey in an upcoming blog.

But wait! The ever so exciting scoop on Lysa’s blog today is that she and her team have a scholarship to give away for the event! They will be reviewing linked in submissions over this weekend and making a decision by Monday so I am giving this my full attention and could use some prayers my friends! If you’ve been following my blog you know I have a true passion for writing and have been trying to take this little world of mine to the next level since the beginning of the year. For months now my dream of using this blog to have more of an impact has become increasingly persistent. It started as a question, “Could I use this blog as a ministry?” And over time I’ve felt those whispers get a little stronger with each day, each post. My heart is asking God to use me. Right here. Right now. I can see that it is on my most imperfect goofed up, messy mommy days that I feel most connected to all of you. And I would love to use my writing to challenge and inspire women with hearts just like mine. I believe I have a voice that can, with guidance, be compelling.

And I think I have a story to share. A story that includes being a twin sister, an exchange student and English teacher in a foreign country, of traveling the world as a risk and financial consultant then marrying an Irish lad at the ripe age of 35. A story of how being a Compassion International Advocate and sponsor to a precious girl in Rwanda has changed me forever. A tale of the crushing loss of infertility and miscarriages followed by the hope and joy that came from becoming a parent via God’s plan to grow our family, of making the transition to stay at home mom and finding all the joy in the world that comes with it, and the craziness that comes from becoming a mom in my late 30’s and again at 41.

In true southern girl fashion I want everyone to win. It reminds me of my 4th grade slumber party with Melissa where we had a talent show and forced my poor mom to stay up judging through the wee hours of the night until all twenty girls had the opportunity to take home first place! When I read others submissions my first thoughts were how much more deserving they are than I am. But a girl can dream. And if by God’s grace I do get to go? I’ll be off and running - and I so promise to scream!!